It’s time to play, “How Did You Find Me?” the show that examines what search engine results drove traffic to I Can’t Brain and my answers to your weirdness.
Seriously, you people are fucked up.
Amid the myriad versions of “I Can’t Brain Today; I Have the Dumb,” a few stand out more than others. It’s surprising how many people can’t spell, use proper punctuation or grammar. It has me questioning the average intelligence of internet users. (No, it’s not. I already know people are dumb. It’s the only explanation for Jersey Shore.)
Whoever thought this up and put it on TV should be shot. Multiple times.
I cannot brain this
I actually like this one. It’s succinct and works very well. This was written by a person who didn’t have a whole lot of time left on the computer (possibly because his wife was about to come home and he had too many tabs open of Busty Asian Beauties. Alas, there is no porn on my blog, so I’m sure all he got from his search was frustrated. Sorry, dude.).
i can’t brain today. i catched the stupid
I’m sorry to hear that. Truly. Perhaps WebMD would have been a better choice of website to visit. Just sayin’.
This actually leads well into the next type of search that found my blog – people who used my actual name. Seriously? Do you have any idea how many “Eric Storches” there are out there? One of them is actually a famous doctor. I’m not a doctor, clearly. I use WebMD to diagnose myself. Which I thought worked well until I told my real doctor that I had a yeast infection. He looked at me like I had three heads (which would be cool, by the way) and told me that wasn’t possible and wanted to know why I thought so. I told him about WebMD and he laughed and said not to worry. I told him he better do something about the yeast infection because it was friggin’ uncomfortable, and he told me to “grow a pair” and shut the hell up. He has the best bedside manner.
eric storch i can’t brain and eric storc i can’t brain today i have the dumb
People, I can’t help you with this. I don’t know why you think I can, but I’m the one who “can’t brain.” I have my own problems. Try WebMD. I hear it’s a great site.
just say no eric storch
Mom, stop lurking on my blog. I told you I quit experimenting with pot almost twenty years ago. Let it go.
eric storch invitations
I’m a little baffled by this one. Are they looking for an invitation from me, or do they want to give me one? I don’t have any to give away, but I’d be more than happy for an invite to the upcoming Rush concert tour or a Patriots game. That’d be cool, thanks.
eric storch bedford, nh blog
There is so much wrong with this I don’t know where to begin. Obviously, someone knows where I live. (Now you do too. Crap.) I kinda hope it’s a stalker, because then I would know I hit it big, right? ‘Cause only super famous people have stalkers. I would totally get in to it too, like what’s-her-face on Thirty Rock. The chick who sang the “Tits and Ass” song in the movie version of A Chorus Line. Jane Kraka-toa or whatever.
eric storch musician
Whoever you are it’s way cool that you think so, but the last time I checked, I don’t have a Top 10 Hit. In fact, I’ve never been in a recording studio. Thanks, though. You made my day.
My blog has been no stranger to music. I have written several posts about it and featured a number of songs. It comes as no surprise then that people searching for music stuff would land here. Except I think they might have been expecting a little more than what they found…
pink floyd the wallpaper
I think you may have missed the entire point of that album, dude. Or maybe you didn’t. Hmm…
i can’t play back in black guitar and 1 year and still cant play guitar
Put down your guitar right now and walk away. Forever. If you can’t master “Back in Black” in two days, a week – tops, then the guitar is not for you. It is one of the easiest songs to play. Give up your dreams of being the next Eddie Van Halen or Angus Young. You never will be. Stick with Guitar Hero.
Cartoon by Electric Elliot
guitar songs to play for girlfriend
Here are five. Hope this helps you out, man.
“Big Ten Inch Record” by Aerosmith
“Sexy Little Thing” by Chickenfoot
“Seventeen” by Winger
“Feel Your Love Tonight” by Van Halen
“Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison
And, of course, there are those uncatagorizable searches. Things that I can’t lump with anything else, but are too cool to ignore. Behold! I give you…
i can see your quack (That’s because I don’t wear underwear. What!? It’s comfortable!)
wiggles purple dude
diary as to what to wear (Do I look like a fashion blog? At all?! I didn’t think so. Move along.)
who short on mr burns (I assume you meant “Who shot Mr Burns?” and not “Who’s shorter than Mr Burns?” Either way, it was Maggie, dumbass)
a dell rolling in the deep joke (Whatever you’re smoking, I want some. That’s some deep shit, man.)
if you can’t adopt (What? Kidnap?)
feelings i can’t describe tumblr quotes (If you have feelings you can’t describe, perhaps you need a therapist and not Tumblr. Just a thought.)
can 2012 ” equatorial guinea” january 20 (WTF were you smoking, meathead? Stay away!)
naked chick skipping stones
I haven’t ever had a picture of a naked girl skipping stones, but apparently, someone thought I might. Well, I can only oblige, I guess.
For you, perv.
snooki book cover
Seriously? WTF? Whoever thought that this:
would ever appear on my blog has never actually been to my blog. I would never associate myself with such drivel.
OK! That wraps up this episode of ”How Did You Find Me?” Tune in next time when we examine such search results as “Sparks McGee,” “Felicia Day can’t die” and “Beastly tree tattoos for women.”
Until then, goodnight!