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~ Middle child after eating all the carrots but not the peas on his plate: “I ate the carrots but not the peas. I hate peas. Does that mean I’m a vegetist?”

~ Middle child (13) on making a discovery: “I have hair ‘down there!’ I’m pubertizing!”

~ Youngest child (7) when asked what he wants for Christmas: “A PT Cruiser.”

~ Me when I couldn’t remember Michael Clarke Duncan’s name while watching The Finder: “Hey hon! Look! It’s that guy!”   Her: “What guy?”  Me: “That big black guy who always plays a big black guy.”  Her: “I can’t believe you just said that.”   Me: “Oh God. I’m going to hell, aren’t I?”

~ Mother-in-law: “The computer’s doing it again.”  Me: “Doing what?”  MIL: “The thingy popped up. I think MSN is broken.”  Me: “MSN is broken?!”  MIL: “Yeah, when the thing-a-ma-jig popped up it said the do-hickey was doing something.”  Me: “What?!”  MIL: “MSN broke my computer.”

~ My oldest (accident prone) son (16): “I want a driver’s licence.”  Me: “No friggin’ way.”  Him: “Why not?”  Me: “You can’t even walk in a straight line.”

~ Me upon seeing that the middle child bought Adventure Time figures with his gift cards from Christmas: “What are those?”   Him: “They’re my collecti-bibbels!”

~ My youngest: “Daddy, I want to play a game.”  Me: “Ok, buddy, what game do you want to play?”  Him: “Guess Who.”  Me: “Guess Who?” Him: “Joe!”  Me, as he runs away laughing: “Who the heck is Joe?!”

THE CIRCLE K

~ After handing the FEMALE cashier a stack of ones to cover 19-some-odd dollars: “What’d you do? Rob a stripper?”  Me: “No, it’s my stripper start-up fund.”

ON THE PHONE

~ Me: “Ma, what the hell is that noise?”   Mom: “I think your father’s breaking something.”

~ Me after playing Dungeons and Dragons Online with my father: “Dad, why didn’t you use any of your spells last night? They could have helped out a lot.”  Dad: “I got rid of them.”  Me: “What for? You kinda need them to play you character successfully.”  Dad: “I couldn’t figure it out.”

~ My dad after I explained how to use spells in DDO: “I got rid of my character.”  Me: “Why?”  Dad: “It got too hard to play him.”  Me: “Did you use your spells?”  Dad: “No.”  Me: “But I told you how.”  Dad: “Yeah, I know. I still couldn’t figure it out. I made a Ranger instead.”  Me: “Ok, that should be easier for you. Just remember, Rangers can start using spells at level 4.”  Dad:  ” *groan* “